Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
