Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
