dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
