They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
