What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
