I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
