I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
