Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
