I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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