Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
