so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
