Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
