I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
