Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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