im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
love makes seman taste better
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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