I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm at about main and main street
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
