Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
