I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
