i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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