the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize