I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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