wanna go halves on a baby?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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