Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
