my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
