Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Pants are for mortals
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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