i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
