My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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