Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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