I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
