it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
