all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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