Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
