She just used a chaser for red wine.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
