Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
