she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
