Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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