Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
