I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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