I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
