3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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