I'm so fucking centered right now
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
