saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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