i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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