Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize