I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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