Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
