Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
