Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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