Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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