I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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