He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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