Where is the hickey?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
