I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
