I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
