Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
