Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
