So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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