I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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