I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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