well you can't waste a boner
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
