I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
