My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
